I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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