i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
