I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't deserve a penis
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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