just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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