I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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