On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
