if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
