If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
operation have a gay friend backfired
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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