He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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