I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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