I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Acid is not a monday night drug
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
