ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
