lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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