Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
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Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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