It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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