Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
