my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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