U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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