I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
