I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
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Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?