I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.