God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
