i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
