I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
