the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
