she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
