Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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