The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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