My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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