According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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