my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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