I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He felt like a one man threesome
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Randomize
