He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
