I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
