I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
