I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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