How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
