I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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