i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
