bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
