I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
