My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
