I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
