i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
