He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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