Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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