my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
