Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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