I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
