I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you made out with another girl for some wings
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
