textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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