sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
