How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
