he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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