after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
