oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
