Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
