Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
