the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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