And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
