Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
