The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
