I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
